hmm...life

I think this will be a post about me today and not really Max. So, I turned the big 3-0 yesterday. Birthdays never really bothered me. I take that back. Growing up I hated having a summer birthday. It always seemed the 3rd week in July was notorious for vacations. So...not many people were ever around for my birthday. So I guess all I ever really wanted was/is for people to remember its my birthday.

"Hey Erin, Happy Birthday!...I'm glad you're alive..."...LOL

So other then that, birthdays were never really a big deal...number or party/gift wise. But this one...a milestone of 30 years seems to sting a little. I think its the whole inevitable, "what have I done with my life" kind of day...a reflection on where I thought I would be or where I wanted to be and where am I really....a day of soul searching I guess.

Where did I think I'd be?
I thought I might be dating someone...didn't think I'd be married yet. Definitely didn't think I'd have a kid yet. Thought I would be flying up the ranks at a high paying job where I would be very important and have to travel a lot. Why would I have all of this? Because I was determined--I was determined to succeed and makes lots of money and I was willing to work harder and longer then anyone else out there.

So where am I really?
I'm married. With a beautiful son.
I am overweight. Some would probably say, obesely overweight (and I can't even say its because of my beautiful son, lol).
I am in a job I thought I really wanted but I'm not so sure anymore.
I'm working in a field I'm questioning if I want to be in at all...but have no real idea of where else I would go if it wasn't this.
I'm not so determined anymore. I am about some things, but not about everything. I can't seem to make a decision and stick with it regards to weight and I don't know why. I'm unhappy with my current weight. I know what needs to be done and yet I can't seem to do it...why is that?

And yet, I think my biggest and best accomplishment so far in my life....is my son. I would never have thought kids would have been my biggest accomplishment (for someone else sure, but not for me..my career was tops in my eyes)...but he is and I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world. I love him so much it brings me to tears almost daily.

When did things change? How do you come to terms with what you thought you wanted and what you actually have-- without having regrets?